Occasionally I would invite guests to come to the detention center and speak to the students. I liked to expose the kids to people and perspectives they might not have encountered. The focus was generally on atypical careers or hobbies. Usually they were avocations that didn’t have overwhelming education or certification requirements. My hope was the students would enjoy the person and the topic and that they would see a slightly bigger view of what the world had to offer.

Who knew? I even hoped that maybe, at some point, they would find something appealing to them they would want to pursue.

Each time we had one of these guests, I introduced them by name only. Then I had the students try to figure out the speaker’s occupation or hobby by asking them only yes/no questions.

A couple times over the years my mom visited my class as a “mystery guest.” At age 60 she had become a certified massage therapist. A gentle, compassionate woman who thrived on nurturing others, she’d found massage therapy to be a perfect fit for her.

Guessing begins

When she came into the classroom, I told the students her name but didn’t mention our relationship. The yes/no questions began, and I sat back to enjoy watching the students try to size her up.

“Are you a judge?”

“Are you a social worker?”

“Are you a probation officer?”

“Are you a teacher?”

“Are you a psychologist.”

“Are you a lawyer?”

They seemed to be judging her by her appearance. She was nicely dressed and appeared to have just come from the hair salon. From the students’ perspective I think she looked like a professional. I suppose their guesses merely reflected the only kinds of professionals they could recall.

She’s my mom

Actually, when I thought more about it, those were basically the same yes/no questions they asked almost every guest. It was interesting that, though the student population was never the same from one guest to the next, the questions hardly changed.

Given a few hints along the way, the students finally figured out she “did massages.” At that point I let them know she was my mom.

She talked to them about what drew her to massage therapy, the training she received, and what it was like to work as a massage therapist. The students listened politely and seemed interested, asking questions here and there.

After sharing her story, Mom offered head/neck/shoulder massages to all the students. I was excited for them. I thought they would all love the opportunity. I expected them to jump at a chance to feel pampered, especially given the stress of their circumstances in detention.

But, as it turned out, I was mistaken.

Simply too much

There were some students who did take her up on the offer, and they seemed to truly savor the experience.

Others, however, declined. Even watching their classmates and hearing their murmurs of delight was not enough to change their minds.

For those students I wondered if it was too uncomfortable to allow someone else to touch them. Even if the massage was intended to be therapeutic, it seemed they were unable to relax enough to trust.

Trusting enough to take a risk is not an easy thing for many of us. We don’t want to appear vulnerable, and so we often protect ourselves by keeping our distance.

In my own life, I often struggle to get out of my comfort zone and take risks. And I’m pretty sure I’ve come from a more supportive, nurturing environment than the kids in detention. For their own survival, many had to construct impenetrable barriers of defense.

I felt sad about those students who said “no.” As much as I wanted all the kids to experience the comfort and relaxation of a mini massage, it wasn’t to be.

Another lesson

The lesson, I discovered once again, is that all we can do is extend our gifts to others. What they do with them is their choice, not ours. They may or may not receive them as we hope they will. And we shouldn’t judge or cling to our expectations. We need to let go of our attachment to the outcome because it really doesn’t matter.

Regardless of the end results, our job is to focus on living the greatest version of ourselves. We need to keep showing up with the best we have to give. We may not see the results of our acts, and that’s not the point.

It doesn’t mean we didn’t make a connection. It just means there’s nothing for us to try to figure out.

All we need to focus on is doing the best we can to reach out to one another. We put ourselves out there, and we do it again and again and again.

Lovingkindness is always the aim.