Several weeks ago I wrote about my recurring thoughts, thoughts that seemed to be leading me toward a big life change. Well, it happened. I just left a church where I’d been a member for over 20 years. That, to me, was a big deal.

I was connected to a lot of people at church over the years. Some I didn’t know well, but I shared a special closeness with others. Now those relationships will be significantly altered—maybe even gone forever. Realizing that possibility fills me with sadness.

I didn’t make the decision in haste. No one issue made me choose to leave. Instead, little things began piling on to weigh down my heart. When I could no longer ignore the distractions those negatives were imposing—when I saw how they were robbing me of joy, I knew I had to act.

Working through a range of emotions, I discovered how similar this experience has been to the dissolution of a friendship or other long-term relationship.

Sometimes we stay in unhealthy relationships because we fear the unknown. The familiar, unpleasant as it may be, still feels secure to us. We may settle for less and remain unhappy because we don’t want to face the inevitable pain of a breakup.

Contemplating the end of a relationship, we may wonder if we’re fooling ourselves to think something better awaits us. Do we seriously believe the grass could be greener elsewhere? 

When problems arise, it’s so easy to start finding fault and pointing fingers. People in unhappy relationships often blame each other for their problems.  Likewise, I initially wanted to blame others for my discontentment at church.

Why do we try so hard to sort it all out in black and white?

Why do I have to be right all the time? And why do you have to be wrong if I’m right? Why does it seem impossible to compromise a little and just commit to hanging out in the neutrality of the gray area? Why can’t we accept that we all come with different experiences and unique perceptions? Why does it seem so hard to just be me and allow you to be you?

Blaming others, I soon remembered, serves no good purpose in any relationship. It definitely wasn’t the antidote for what I was feeling. 

If I could choose the best way to end any relationship, what would I do? 

I determined to forgive as I want to be forgiven. I began to offer prayers and loving thoughts for my old church and all its members. I promised myself I would continue to gratefully honor all that was loving and wonderful during my years there.

And I’d let go of all the rest.

For me, it boils down to this: Change is going to happen for all of us. We learn and grow our whole lives. As we evolve, our perceptions change and in turn, so do our needs. We deserve to live our lives fully and to be happy. When something is no longer a good fit, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. It merely means it’s time to search for something new—something that will heal and nurture our souls. We need to find that next thing to lead us closer to our best, most loving self.

That’s where I’m heading right now. With a lighter heart and renewed energy, I’m eager to see what lies ahead. What new things will I learn? What new people will I find to love?

I’m not ready to get into a new church relationship—not yet. We just broke up, after all, so I need time to gather myself. I want time to assess my needs. There will be reading, prayer, meditation, and a lot soul-searching.

Then who knows? One day I may be ready to start dating again!